Communication with children often conflicts, because parents do not understand communication skills, parents must understand these 5-character mantras

In a video with my friend a few days ago, I happened to see my friend's four-year-old child playing with toys obediently and greeting me obediently. ''Your family Liangliang is very obedient, sensible, and will take the initiative to call people! ''

Unexpectedly, my friend sighed in the face of my compliment: ''Sometimes he is obedient, but you know no, as he gets older, he doesn't listen to me very much now, and the two of them often chatting becomes violent Communicate, eyes wide open.

The last time I went to the department store, he fell in love with a robot. He couldn't help crying and making trouble. He couldn't refuse. So many people looked at me and had to follow him. ''In the end, my friend was very worried. Why did I want to communicate well with my child, but instead it became self-defeating and turned into a conflict?

In fact, after the child is three years old, the self-consciousness is enhanced, so that the child will have a sense that I prefer to fight against you. In daily communication, once the parents show a tough and assertive attitude, it will immediately stimulate the child's desire to resist, which directly leads to violent communication conflicts that endanger the parent-child relationship. Among them, the key point is that parents do not know how to communicate, and communication conflicts will occur.

Conflicts with children can cause great harm to children!

Do you think violent communication with your child will only make you feel bad? In fact, it is even more harmful to young children.

1. The child becomes timid and humble

Living in the conflict of violent communication for a long time, children are prone to form personality defects and communication barriers with the increase of age. withdrawn and unwilling to communicate, not confident and cheerful enough, cowardly and submissive, rejecting the output and input of feelings, difficult to integrate into the social collective, insecure, timid and caring about the opinions of others.

The shadow of the child's childhood built a city wall for him. While closing his inner world, his communication with his parents became more and more indifferent and distant.

2. Has an irritable factor

Educator Suhomlinsky said: Children who have been scolded loudly will not only lose their ability to feel beauty, but will also become sympathetic and prone to cruel and tyrannical behavior.

Under the rude behavior conflict of violent communication, the irritability factor of people will also appear, and the child is like a blank sheet of paper, painted by the irritability and hatred of violent communication.

And communication conflicts are emotional, and once addicted, it's hard to quit. Children fall in love with the twisted pleasure when they discover the emotional catharsis that comes with using verbal violence.

Don't know how to communicate? ''Giraffe Language'' for you!

In Dr. Luxembourg's "Nonviolent Communication", the author reminds us to focus on each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests in communication.

Non-violent communication also has a beautiful name - giraffe language, because giraffes have a big heart and a long neck that allows them to see very wide and far; so the giraffe is likened to giraffe language.

It is committed to letting people give up their casual evaluation of others, but go deep into their own hearts, listen to the voices and needs of others, express their true emotions and put forward specific requirements.

Whenever parents communicate with young children, they always inadvertently show the prestige of their elders and regard the children as their accessories. When the real needs of the child cannot be met, conflicts will naturally arise.

It is better for parents to temporarily put down the language of criticism in their minds, and to observe carefully will find that children's seemingly unfriendly language behaviors reflect their deepest needs and best wishes. There is respect, freedom, love, self-feeling and self-worth.

Parents should follow the four steps of giraffe language to communicate with their children

1. Clarify your own wishes

In good communication, the tone of the sentence with declarative sentences can promote the communication well. But ''will'' is at the heart of communication, and if it's not sincere and sincere, it's meaningless to teach parents even the most eloquent skills.

Parents must remember that when communicating with children, our most important intention is to establish a connection with the child through this communication and truly solve the child's needs.

If parents choose to clarify their own wishes, they should let go of their tough ideas and full of manipulative desires, and test whether they are ready to communicate with their children: if you still want your children to do things according to your thinking, and strongly To prove yourself right, you're not ready.

2. Careful observation and non-discriminatory evaluation

The next step is to express yourself in giraffe language. Parents need to honestly and objectively tell their children how you feel when you do something. Here are a few simple examples to give you a sense of the difference:

''You are so lazy! ''''Why are you always late? So-so! ''''You are really unruly. ''

If you and your child express your feelings after observation in this way, what you hear in your child's ears is a sentence of criticism, and you will immediately feel resistant. You have to fight with you to the end or stay in a state of being inaudible.

Using non-discriminatory evaluations is very different, you can replace it with your euphemistic observation: ''You said you would finish your homework in the afternoon, but you haven't done it yet. ''''Look, the alarm clock went off at seven o'clock, and you didn't get up on time. ''''You can't watch TV while you're eating, don't eat or sleep. ''

This kind of language is much softer, using declarative sentences to express the facts observed by the parents gently, and the child cannot deny it, as long as the parents tell the child what you see and hear. This is the first step in connecting with your child.

3. Combining feelings and needs

When aware of our own feelings, our emotions can often have a powerful assimilating effect on children. These feelings are important, but if we say ''I feel'' in communication, it is not just an emotion but our own thoughts and states.

When you say to your child, ''You are like this, I feel very angry and sad. ''Then the child will feel the same way. Therefore, after observing the statement, parents need to be aware of their own vision and children's needs, which is the core of giraffe language. This need ties together parent-child communication.

When needs are met, feelings change. But feelings are never caused by someone else, and parents can't use expressions like ''he upset me'' or ''I was sad when I saw him'' in giraffe language. Instead ''I feel XX because I need XX. ''

When listening to their children's inner language, parents should also have more patience and empathy, and slowly guess and feel: ''You feel wronged because you think you can make your own decisions, right? ''''You are happy, is it because your mother let you play an extra hour? '' and other sentences to communicate.

4. Give an acceptable request

When you can already understand your own vision and express it, we need to tell the child, (also take the child's needs into account), how you want them to help me meet the requirements of both parties. But this premise is acceptable and enforceable. rather than a distant delusion.

It's actually very simple: ''Child, are you willing to help mom pack up the clothes? ''''Mom needs to answer a call. Would you like to turn down the volume of the phone first? ''''Can I play this map adventure with my mom? Shall we solve this problem together? ''Be specific and something the child can do.

Not: ''Can't you think about it for your mother? Selfish ghost! ''''Can you stop lying on your phone all the time and see what you can do at home? ''Isn't such a comparison a bit unreasonable.

Let love flow out naturally and meet the needs of both parties. Learning the language of giraffe is also learning the language of love. Parents don’t know communication terminology, but in fact it is the depth of love. We calm down and follow these four steps, which can not only reduce communication conflicts, but also become good friends with children. Why not do it?