Disciplining children can't just be done with your mouth, but from your heart. Parents remember this '4C rule'
Introduction
Are you used to pointing and pointing at your children, and regard accusations and scolding as a daily routine of parenting; have you become impatient with your children and have used "stick education" as a last resort?
Parents with more traditional concepts would say: ''Children will learn to be good after suffering from flesh and blood'. There are also the classic four words "good medicine tastes bitter", when used in parenting, it becomes "Parents scolded badly, yes, but it's all for your own good!" ''.
I don't know if such concepts have been brainwashed by most "Chinese parents"? However, "hitting" and "swearing" are actually double violence for children, often forcing children to have no way out.
In the classic family drama "Family with Children", Liu Xing, the bear child, often makes troubles. In the drama, it is not uncommon to see parents chasing after the child with a feather duster. Once Liu Xing deliberately pouted his buttocks for his father to spank.
The common scene of parents beating their children in life has become a light-hearted and funny joke in TV dramas. But the social phenomenon and child-rearing craze behind this are indeed worthy of our analysis and deliberation.
No matter what kind of social environment and era background we are in, the daily life of beating and scolding between children and parents seems to have become the norm. We cannot just blame this kind of education method. Since many parents have chosen to beat and scold, it proves that Language education has lost its binding force.
But what I have to say is that beating and scolding are the methods that parents have to choose in education. Although they have intimidating power, they are a kind of violence in any way. It not only easily hurts the child's body, but also hurts the child. heart . What parents should do is to try to avoid becoming the person who is "forced".
case analysis
Tongtong was a cheerful and lively child when she was in kindergarten, but she changed completely after entering elementary school. Because she was just in elementary school, her mother worried that Tongtong could not compare with other classmates, so she hurriedly took the child to learn abacus, mental arithmetic, painting, and dancing.
The child is a lively and active little girl, how can she learn arithmetic and drawing with peace of mind? After being criticized by the teacher, my mother became even more anxious. Every day, she scolded Tongtong, "Why are you so stupid" and "Everyone else can learn it, but you can't calm down day by day."
Tong Tong, who lived under anxiety and scolding all day long, "collapsed" and began to close herself off, never even going to her favorite park. At this time, the mother realized that her scolding accumulated day by day and became a "big rock" in the child's heart.
Do you really understand the invisible harm of language violence?
Many parents think that if they don't hit their children, they won't hurt their children, so even if they always speak bad words to their children, they never notice it.
Professor Li Meijin, a well-known juvenile criminal psychologist, once said: Verbal violence is the fastest way to destroy a child. It can be seen that the accusations that parents are always talking about are probably devouring their children's hearts step by step.
- First, scolding reduces a child's self-confidence and sense of security.
Sometimes, even if the child does not refute, but the heart is already quietly receiving the negative information from the parents. When the parents say "Why are you so stupid", the little flame that the child originally wanted to work hard will be extinguished immediately , and fell into deep self-doubt.
This kind of subconscious injury is more terrible than physical injury, because the consequences it brings are irreversible. When a child loses a sense of security and self-confidence, it will be difficult to restore the child to the state again.
- Second, verbal violence and physical violence are increasing the gap between parents and children.
Parents educate their children by scolding and beating, nothing more than wanting to remind the children, "Do you still have parents in your eyes?" '', this move is actually to show the authority of the parents themselves.
Sometimes the child contradicts himself and refuses to listen no matter what he says. It seems that the superficial problem will be solved by scolding and beating once. endgame ?
Does the violent way solve the problem, or solve the child? It can be seen that violence will only increase children's rebelliousness or closedness, and they are even less willing to get close to their parents, so the opportunities for communication will become less and less.
Therefore, when parents understand the purpose of violence and the harm it brings, they should promptly find ways to replace the original verbal and physical violence. Since it is to make the child "obedient", using other methods will at least be healthier and more efficient than harming the child.
In his parenting book "Positive Discipline", Nelson put forward a "4C rule", which emphasizes healthy and positive positive discipline for children, and avoids harm while teaching children well.
Disciplining children can't just be done with your mouth, but from your heart. Parents remember this ''4C rule''
- Communication
Communication has always been the most important part of education, and the process of forming problems has certain complexity. If parents just pick up a feather duster and prepare to "start fighting", or prepare a speech and prepare to "start scolding", This ignores the most important step in solving the problem, which is to find the source of the problem.
If you choose violence directly, you are not solving the problem, but directly treating the child as a problem.
For example, if you send your child to an interest class, will the child love the popular course? Is a full course necessarily called "enrichment"? Parents can communicate with their children first to see if their children don't like these subjects, or if they really can't learn them. You must know that only through communication will there be information exchange and problem solving will be possible
- Choice
Choice is to choose multiple solutions when facing a problem, and finally finalize the most suitable solution to achieve "win-win". If a child wants to play games, there is no need to stop immediately, but to give the child a choice of space. For example, playing games is fine, but homework must be completed and time must be controlled.
- Consequence (result)
Allow children to face the consequences of their choices. Parents sometimes don't need to rush to help their children solve problems, and make them feel embarrassed and uncomfortable by scolding their children. If the child is really doing something wrong, first of all, let the child guide him what kind of consequences his own actions have brought to him.
- Connection
This refers to the connection between parents and children, that is, the emotional connection. Parents' beating and scolding can easily cause a "sense of alienation" between them and their children. Parents' authority is high, and children who are not confident can only keep silent. Parents should learn to respect and understand their children's hearts more, and truly educate with "heart".
Summarize
As a parent, there is really no need to be quick-talking in education. After all, a child's heart is hurt and the whole family will become bleak. Therefore, wise parents should not allow themselves to be controlled by "impulses", but calmly analyze and think about where their children are wrong, how to divert their attention, and reduce the possibility of violence . Don't let verbal violence become the shadow of children's childhood.