Behind the back talking and obedience of the child, there are two extreme emotions hidden. Have the parents seriously thought about it?
What is the difference between a child who loves to talk back and a child who does not like to talk back?
Children have entered the first rebellious period in life from the age of 2, followed by the formation of independent consciousness at the age of 7 to 12, and then to adolescence.
Children in these three periods are most likely to develop rebellious psychology, and parents often find that their children always talk back during these stages, and even "confront" their parents since childhood. Behind the back talking and obedience of the child, there are two extreme emotions hidden. Have the parents seriously thought about it?
Children who love to talk back have a strong sense of independence, like to express their inner thoughts, hate restraint, and often show irritable and extreme emotions.
What about the child who doesn't talk back? In fact, children who are always silent and unwilling to respond to their parents also hide an extreme emotion, which is blind obedience. Children who always follow the wishes of their parents and are unwilling to resist are mostly "pleasing personality". This kind of children always hope that others will look after them. In simple terms, they are "living for others". Parents need to avoid these two extreme emotions of children in the education process.
case analysis
Minmin has been a "good girl" since she was a child. She never dared to object to what her mother said. She always listened to her mother and went to remedial classes to make friends with so-called "excellent children". When choosing a college choice, Minmin also listened to her mother's advice and chose the most popular major, but after two years of study, Minmin finally realized that her current life and major were not what she wanted. Because she did not dare to tell her mother what was in her heart, Minmin suppressed herself too much and eventually developed depression.
Xiaopeng is different from Minmin. He has always been unwilling to obey his parents' arrangements, and he dropped out of high school to work outside. It was only later that the parents learned that when the child went out to work, it was not because he was unwilling to study, nor because he wanted to make a living, but because he simply went against the parents and did not want to obey the parents' wishes.
One of these two children was obedient and the other rebellious, but neither of them got the life they really wanted, and in the end they caused double harm to themselves and their families.
It can be seen that in the process of cultivating children, parents can neither suppress their children excessively, control their independent consciousness, nor show their authority in front of their children, causing children to develop rebellious psychology.
Cultivate children not to ''go to extremes''
Just like Fukuzawa Yukichi said: People who have no independent spirit must depend on others, and those who can only rely on others must be afraid of others.
It can be seen that children can neither be too rebellious nor too obedient. For parents, education must be "degree". This degree is to find a peaceful zone between the relationship between oneself and the child, which not only restrains oneself, but also protects the child.
What kind of "degree" do we need to master in educating children?
First, grasp the degree between the child's needs and the parents' requirements.
Nowadays, many parents overemphasize their authority at home and do not understand the need to establish a sense of balance with their children. In many cases, the more suppressed the parents are, the easier it is for the child's natural rebellious psychology to explode; or the child is unwilling to resist any more, and finally accumulates emotions in his mind.
For parents, it is important to consider the child's wishes and needs before asking for it. For example, children aged 7-12 need freedom the most. They want to have their own group and spare time, and they also have their own interests. If parents arrange a large number of interest classes for their children at this time, it is equivalent to compressing the children's free space, and children are prone to extreme emotions.
Then, parents should give their children enough choices. Since they don’t want their children to lose out in the competition, let them have more space to exercise themselves. Appetite''. In this way, parents not only meet their own requirements, but also respect the needs of their children, that is, grasp the first "degree".
Second, the degree of emotional release.
We often say that "impulse is the devil" and the venting of emotions is irreversible, especially when a child loses his temper at his parents, the parents will definitely feel double the pain, so for the child, the parents lose their temper at themselves It's the same feeling.
When parents scold their children, they must control the "degree" of venting their emotions. First analyze in their minds where the children are wrong, and then it is not too late to educate them appropriately.
Third, the degree of freedom of choice.
Children's lives need to be planned by themselves. Even if the children are young and immature, it is not enough for parents to use "empiricism" to suppress children's freedom.
Parents are always the "guides" of their children's lives, not "power holders". When appropriate, children should be allowed to choose freely. Don't let children suppress themselves too much, and of course they can't let themselves go too much. This is free choice The ''degrees''.
Summary at the end of the article
As parents, you should understand that whether a child likes to talk back is not at all the criterion for judging whether a child is excellent, but the real excellence should be to have self and know how to respect. The relationship between children and their parents should be harmonious and equal, not a vicious circle of restraint.