Your criticism makes the child self-denial, and the criticism of others makes the child a winner in life? The difference is here

With the recent start of school for children, many educational issues have received renewed attention from the society.

I once talked with some parents about their children's education. When it comes to their children's criticism and encouragement, many parents said that the more they criticize their children, the more they resist, and sometimes negative emotions appear. , Every time he finished criticizing the child, he secretly hid in the room by himself, refusing to open the door no matter how coaxed.

Cause some parents are very distressed'' children can not criticize? ''Why do other people's children criticize more and become better, but my children criticize more and have more problems.

Different criticisms have different effects

The famous psychologist Carol Dweck once did an experiment on children's ''criticism''. By selecting 67 kindergarten children, let the children perform according to the script written by the researcher.

This experimental design is to let the children work hard to complete the task, and the teacher will give 3 different feedbacks for errors in the completion process. The three types of feedback are:

Personal criticism: After the child has completed the task, the teacher points out the child's mistakes and says to the child ''I am disappointed in you''

Outcome Criticism: Teacher says to child ''This is not the right thing to do'' after child completes task

Process criticism: In the process of the child doing the task, criticize the child, such as ''Here you did something wrong, it's not like this''

After the experiment, the researchers asked the children to score four dimensions. The results showed that the children who received personal feedback felt the worst about themselves. They did not believe in their abilities and showed a sense of helplessness.

In this study, we can see that different criticisms will have different effects, and different education methods are what many parents say "why do other people's children get better when they criticize them, but my children are getting better and better." The reason for the poor ''.

Some parents will say that they say ''criticism'' so well, but their children just don't accept it. Not only do they not accept criticism, they will also make children self-denial.

If you think so, then I guess you must be using the wrong method of criticism.

Home education is an art. Criticizing children requires mastering certain skills to avoid self-defeating.

What should parents pay attention to when criticizing?

Choose a location - parents criticize their children for looking at the occasion

Children's self-esteem is very strong, they are very concerned about the opinions of others, such as unwilling to be criticized on the street or in front of their friends, which will make them feel that they have no face, and the feeling that their parents do not understand them, so parents should stand Choose the right time and place from your child's perspective.

Criticize your child not to be in these situations: in a crowded place, in the presence of your child's friends or family and friends. Criticizing a child in public can take a toll on his confidence and self-esteem.

When your child makes a mistake, find a place to quietly reason with him, what is doing well and what is not doing well, and let the child know what you think. If used in the right way, children can accept criticism from their parents.

Pay attention to the time: don't ''turn over old accounts'' when criticizing children

Many parents like to say something similar: ''Look, you have broken things in school again, have you been in a lot of trouble since you were a child? Every time you ask me to 'wipe your ass'', from the child's mistake this time, think of the wrong things he did before, and then put them together to accuse him and criticize him.

Don't count all the mistakes the child has made before because of the mistakes the child has made this time. This will only make the child less and less informed and think that he is a ''bad person''. The child feels disgusted and feels that as long as he makes a mistake, he will never get rid of it.

People are all looking forward. You have to let your child believe that he can get better and better, instead of reminding him how many mistakes he has made in the past.

Notice the number of times - criticize the child up to ''twice a day''

The famous Taiwan parenting expert Lao Songyi said:

In terms of parenting, parents generally have two attitudes, one is more open, such as European countries, which do not restrict children and allow them to grow up freely, such children will be more active; the other is strict management, such as Chinese education , can cultivate children's right and wrong concepts from an early age, but negatively speaking, too much criticism will affect children's self-confidence.

Although it is said that children do not do well, they need to be criticized, but too much criticism will make children lose confidence, and feel that ''what I do they don't like'', and over time, they will lose confidence in exploring new things. .

Therefore, the number of criticisms should be reasonably controlled, so that the child's body and mind can develop healthily.

Criticism - seeking truth from facts, grasping the ''strength''

When a child makes a mistake, many parents do not ask the reason, and just come up and say things like ''Why is it like this, why is it you'' and so on, but there are also reasons for many children's mistakes. For example, at home The glass bottle was broken, and the son of the ''culprit'' bowed his head and didn't dare to speak. You would think that he broke it when he was playing tricks, but in fact, he just turned off the stove and boiled it. The water came out and accidentally touched the glass bottle...

When many parents educate their children, not only do they not ask why, but they often use threats, beatings and scolding, or verbal warnings ""Next time I will throw you away",""Put the palm of your hand. Reach out '' or something to keep the child from making mistakes in the future.

But in fact, this way of criticizing children is wrong. The essence of criticism is "pointing out mistakes and giving opinions", rather than forcing children to correct mistakes in a negative way.

Criticizing children has to be skillful

Use affirmative criticism:

When a child is found wrong by his parents, he will feel uneasy and fearful in his heart, but when a child makes a mistake, if the parent can make him feel a little affirmative, it is very comforting for the child.

For example, after school, the child goes to a friend's house to play without your consent. When you find him after half an hour, he will be very scared when he sees the anger in your eyes. He criticized him half angrily, and half affirmatively said ''It's so powerful, I'll come to play with friends by myself'', maybe he can ease his emotions. Slowly reason with him, ease the atmosphere and then educate, so that the children can listen to the criticism more.

''Strike while the iron is hot'' criticize children:

Children are prone to forgetfulness. If parents do not strike while the iron is hot and educate their children in a timely manner, the children will soon forget their mistakes.

For example, after a child makes a mistake, you are going to criticize him, but there happens to be relatives at home. At this time, many parents choose to ''let him go'' and criticize and educate them after the family affairs are dealt with.

But I don't recommend this. If the interval is short, it's fine. If the interval is long, the child will play haha, or because the time is relatively long, there is no attitude to admit mistakes.

Therefore, when educating and criticizing children, it is very important to strike while the iron is hot, so that he can find mistakes in time and reflect on himself.

''cold'' treatment

The first ''cold'' is that parents should be calm in their emotions: when parents face their children's frequent mistakes, it is easy to be emotionally unstable. The same question has been said so many times and it is wrong. It is a kind of hatred of parents for their children Unfinished anger. However, if you can calm down and think about the problem carefully, you may find that''Oh, it turned out that my last explanation was not clear, which caused him to repeat the mistake''.

The second ''cold'' is to be calm when dealing with children: when parents criticize their children, many people can't control their loud scolding, but experiments have shown that lowering the voice is more acceptable to the child than loud scolding. A peaceful attitude makes it easier for the child to accept what you say, shouting loudly and confronting the child will intensify the conflict with the child.

''Cold'' handling is a flavoring agent for criticizing children, which not only adjusts their emotions, but also mediates the atmosphere.

Famous psychologist Carol Dweck once said, "When some people are criticized, they ignore useful negative feedback and just label themselves as 'failures'. Said, I am indeed such a person''.

This has distorted the original purpose of our criticism. For the good of the child, it has brought the child's development into a deadlock.

Homeschooling is an art that requires constant exploration and research by parents.

In order for our hearts to reach our children so that they can understand us, it is very important that parents behave and deal with their children.

How to let children improve themselves through ''criticism'' and keep learning, instead of ''exploding'' and generating negative emotions every time they are criticized, this is what every parent needs to learn.