Do your own thing? Independent children can't be raised like this, it is the key to allow 'moderate dependence'
During the Mid-Autumn Festival holiday, I took my children to play in a seaside villa. When I was on the beach, the conversation between a mother and son next to me caught my attention.
The little boy has been nestled in his mother's arms and asked his mother to take him to play.
The child's mother seems to be tired and doesn't want to move. Maybe she wants to exercise the child's independence, so she encourages the child: ''Go on your own, okay? You see that other children's children are playing by yourself, so you can go by yourself. , Mom is waiting for you here. ''
But no matter how the child's mother persuaded and encouraged, the little boy kept hugging his mother tightly and refused to let go.
The child's mother seemed to be bothered by the child. She was a little angry and aggravated her tone, and said to the child, "Why are you so clingy? Look at there are so many children there, some of them are younger than you, and which one is the one who brought it with you." Yes, how old are you, and you want me to take it, you are not ashamed. ''
After speaking, the child's mother pushed the child away, got up and left. The child was yelled at by his mother, and he was so aggrieved that he cried even more. Seeing that his mother was determined to ignore him, he could only stand up and chase after his mother.
I think, in fact, many children are very clingy at a certain period, so how do you deal with your child's clinginess? Is it also forcing children to be independent?
What is ''moderate dependence''
In fact, there are also many mothers who regard their children's clinginess as a sign that their children are not independent and ignorant. When some parents face their children's clingy behavior, they sometimes show impatience because they can't stand their children's clingy behavior. What's more, some parents will directly accuse their children of not saying something like '' So old, can't you play by yourself? Look at how many things other children's children have done independently.'' Such words.
But in fact, children have a particularly clingy time before they learn to be independent. Under the premise that children's ability is not enough to complete things independently, they will long for the support, protection and company of parents or close people. . It can be said that the more ''sticky' children are, the closer they are to independence.
As a parent, the first thing to do is not to scold the child for being ignorant and independent, but to give the child ''moderate dependence''.
American psychologists Robert F. Bernstein and Mary A. Langourand wrote in Relationships: Moderate Dependence Brings Us Closer:
In how to deal with the two contradictory states of ''dependence'' and ''independence'', people can be divided into three different types of relationships: moderately dependent, negatively over-dependent, and obstructive grooming.
Simply put, moderate dependence is to strike a balance between the two contradictory states of ''dependence'' and ''independence''.
Many parents simply define a child's "clinginess" as a child who is not independent, so they rack their brains to let their children do things that seem mature and sensible, and bear the burden of inappropriate pressure when the child is at an incorrect age.
Therefore, as a parent, we should correctly view the child's "independence". The child is still young, and he needs the correct guidance of our parents in order to grow faster and better. When it's time to accompany the child, give care to the child, and don't show your face or vent negative emotions to the child.
If parents are too demanding on their children to be independent, it will backfire and prevent their children from growing up independently and healthily.
What will happen if the child is not properly dependent on it?
First, the child will grow into a ''avoidant attachment personality''
The so-called ''avoidant attachment personality'', simply put, is the fear of bothering others. You must do well yourself what you can do well. If you can't do well, you will try to be brave. If you trouble others, you will feel sorry for yourself. .
This type of person just doesn't know how to depend on them properly, longing for warmth and afraid of rejection. It can be said to be a contradictory personality.
At the same time, such people also lack a certain degree of trust in others, they do not easily get too close to others, and they will feel isolated. They seem strong and confident on the outside, but in fact they are just lonely and sad people in the interior. They subconsciously think that ''I can only rely on myself'', no one will help us, and we must be independent.
Second, the child will become a person without the ability to depend
When I was young, I didn't have a moderate dependence, and when I grew up, it would give people a feeling of indifference. If you feel that you are a strong image in the eyes of others, but in fact your heart is very sensitive and fragile. When you are helpless, you also want to leave a strong and independent impression on others.
Children don't know how to depend on them properly, so in many cases, all the troubles and worries can only be digested by themselves, and no one can talk to them when they are frustrated. Easy to get.
Third, children are afraid of socializing
Children who are not dependent on others are independent and lonely, and they will not want to be alone with others. They lack trust in people, are socially phobic, and close their hearts. Suffice to say, socially in many forms they seem insecure.
From the above, it can be seen that learning to rely on others is not without merit, and not being dependent on others is also harmful. So, the most important thing is how to master the degree of ''moderation''?
How to make children go from "moderate dependence" to independence
First, parents change their thinking and face up to ''moderate dependence''
Moderate dependence does not mean incompetence.
When children are clingy, we should not judge them as incompetent and scold them bitterly. We must know that it is wrong to be ashamed to ask others for help because we position ourselves as incompetent in our hearts. As a parent, you should not over-analyze the child's dependence behavior. As long as the parent guides the child correctly, the child will become more courageous.
Break stereotypes and build emotional connections.
People's feelings are often established through communication and troublesome others. Many people inherently think that helping others is a sign of incompetence. But in fact it is not. When we ask for help from others, our feelings for each other will also deepen, which is also the beginning of emotional connection.
Second, parents should grasp the degree of ''moderate dependence''
Only when parents understand the boundaries of ''excessive dependence'' and ''alienation'' can they better help their children establish moderate dependence. , such behavior is over-reliance.
For example, a child needs a parent or a close person to do everything on his behalf, the mother does the laundry, and the grandma feeds the meal.
If you are sick, feel uncomfortable and have no energy, you still wash your clothes by yourself, and walk to class by yourself. This type of person belongs to ''alienated''.
Only when parents clearly understand the difference between the two can they give their children appropriate dependence.
Third, understand your own education style
Before allowing children to be moderately dependent, parents must first examine what kind of education method their education method belongs to. If parents find that they have made their children independent prematurely, or have been arranging for their children, they may wish to think about whether such education methods have had a bad influence on their children.
Only when parents are clear about the advantages and disadvantages of previous education methods can they avoid disadvantages and exercise their children's moderate dependence.
Parents should know that when we seek help from others, we can also learn the advantages of others. A child's moderate dependence will make the child feel more secure. And moderate dependence is also an ability that allows us to maintain a strong sense of being dependent on others.
As long as our children are not overly dependent, while giving children the right to be moderately dependent, we also teach them self-confidence, and we will not let them be like the avoidant type.
A child's moderate dependence is a normal phenomenon. When parents master the key methods of exercising their children's moderate dependence, they can make their children achieve a balance between intimacy and autonomy. Therefore, if parents find that their children are dependent on us again, they should not scold their children, but should give their children moderate dependence, so that children can grow up healthily and happily.