A child's 'mother-in-law' will cause trouble? To resolve the 'dead loop', the 'third person effect' can be used

I read a post on the forum, a mother complained on the Internet that she and her mother-in-law are usually very friendly and have no disputes, but when it comes to the issue of "bringing a baby", the family is thrown into chaos similar.

The cause of the incident was that the mother gave birth to a second baby. Since she had to take care of the two children, she felt powerless, so she planned to hire a nanny to take care of the baby at home. But my mother-in-law was strongly opposed to the matter of "requesting a babysitter", and nagging in her daughter-in-law's ear every day, "whose daughter-in-law is also taking care of two babies by herself"" "How many babysitters are abusing children on TV. ''.

My mother-in-law thought that the nanny was an outsider after all, and she couldn't believe it. Hiring a babysitter not only spends money, but also allows the child to get close to other people, and may also acquire some of the bad habits of the babysitter.

The mother thought that the mother-in-law was making a fuss. It is very common to hire a nanny now, and I have never heard of an example of a child not recognizing family members after a nanny was hired. Besides, I didn't completely let go of the child, but took care of the child with the nanny. My mother-in-law's worries were completely unnecessary.

In order to prevent her daughter-in-law from hiring a nanny, the mother-in-law also proposed that Dabao should be brought by her and Erbao should be brought by her daughter-in-law. But Dabao is very attached to his mother and refuses to follow his grandmother. He also complains that his mother neglects him recently and focuses his attention on his younger brother.

Mom felt tired and distressed, because she insisted on hiring a nanny, and she had a deadlock with her mother-in-law for many days, falling into an ''an infinite loop''.

Why is there so much trouble with the baby's mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law have different concepts of bringing a baby. How to solve it?

Why does the baby's mother-in-law and daughter-in-law make troubles?

Differences in parenting concepts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

We often see some comparison pictures of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law with children on the Internet. Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law always take care of the children at home and dress them up in a clean and beautiful manner. When taking a selfie, she looks like a fashionable little handsome guy or little beauty. And once the parents have something to do and entrust the child to the mother-in-law, the child is always gray-faced, wearing a red cotton jacket and a small apron, and even learns to pick up things from the ground to eat.

Compared with the ''intensive'' of young mothers to their children, the rough ''stocking'' of mother-in-law is simply unbearable for many mothers!

The reason for this difference is that the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law have different parenting styles.

The daughter-in-law is relatively young, highly educated and more advanced in thinking, so she naturally understands the importance of raising children scientifically. Mothers obtain the latest parenting methods through the Internet, public accounts, books and other channels that keep pace with the times. Therefore, there are very few feudal superstitions, and they are extremely caring for their children's words and deeds during the growth process.

But the mother-in-law's way of raising her children is based on her own past experiences and word of mouth from others. Due to the slow transmission of information and the backward concept of hygiene, as long as there are no major problems with the children, the elderly must continue to use the rough and traditional parenting methods of the year.

Differences in the growth environment of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

A mother once complained that her mother-in-law would not take care of her children. Every time the child eats, the mother-in-law chews the food into a bowl and feeds it to the child, which the mother thinks is unsanitary. In addition, whenever the child cries in sleep, the mother-in-law always thinks that the child is cold and puts on a lot of clothes for the child. As a result, when the mother touches the child's back, the child is already hot and sweaty.

Many mothers may complain that their mother-in-law is ''superstitious'''''uneducated''''like hearsay'', but in fact, this is determined by the growing environment at that time.

The mother-in-law lived in a relatively poor age, and had more children. It was good for the family to have enough food and clothing. Therefore, the mother-in-law often paid attention to the material needs of the children.

However, young mothers live in an era of abundant materials and rapid economic growth, coupled with the influence of the slogan policy of "family planning", "fewer births and better births", many families generally have only one child, so it is particularly Pay attention to all aspects of children's needs and education issues, and the material level is no longer satisfied with ''eat enough'' but ''eat well''''' eat nutritiously''.

Therefore, the mother-in-law's ''simple'' way of taking care of the children was actually deeply influenced by the poor environment of the year, which many young mothers have never experienced.

To resolve the dead cycle of "contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law", you must know the "third person effect"

The third-person effect was first proposed by Professor Davidson of Columbia University in 1983 in a paper titled "The Third-person Effect in Communication" published in the Public Opinion Quarterly.

Scholars believe that the third-person effect occurs because of the following reasons:

Generally speaking, a person wants others to have a good opinion of him, but if someone he is familiar with praises him in person, he will think that the other person is being polite or flattering, but when a third person praises him, he will subconsciously think that the other person is flattering. Tell the truth.

Because people think that the third person is not familiar with them, there is no need to tell lies. Therefore, most people would think that the words of the third person behind him would be more truthful and spoke his psychological words.

Another point, we all know that some people like to say good things to their faces, but behind their backs they say bad things. However, when the third person is also saying good things about himself behind his back, he will feel excited and believe it.

People tend to trust words from a third person more, which is known as the ''third-person effect''.

How to make good use of the ''third person effect'' to avoid the ''dead cycle'' between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

words of persuasion

We can often see that when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have conflicts in the family, it is often a ''third person'' to mediate. This person may be a father, in-laws, or even a stranger.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight all day long, confront each other and disagree with each other's parenting styles, all for the sake of their children.

At this time, let the father who is not often responsible for taking the child come forward to mediate and say to his mother, "Mom, the child has grown up, and you don't need to worry about him all day long. ''If such words come from the mouth of the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law will disapprove, but if it is said by her own son (the third person), she will begin to wonder if she cares too much about the children.

Similarly, fathers can also use ''Our mothers are older and more stubborn. When I was a child, the family often did not have enough to eat, so I was particularly nervous about the children's food and clothing problems. '' and so on, to persuade his wife to be dissatisfied with some of her mother's behavior.

At this time, as long as an empathetic mother will understand her mother-in-law's meticulous care for her child, she will naturally complain less to her mother-in-law.

words of praise

I remember an example from the past: a little girl was very shy and introverted. In order to make her more confident and cheerful, her parents praised her every day in front of her, in order to give her sufficient self-confidence. But day after day, the parents did not see any signs of self-confidence in the little girl, she was still so timid and introverted.

The little girl thinks that every day her parents praise her is a lie. It is a ''illusion'' made by her parents to make her motivated.

But one day, when the little girl moved the homework from the class to the new teacher's office, the teacher praised her, "It's amazing to move the homework alone!" ''

Since then, the little girl has been encouraged. In order to get the praise of the new teacher, the little girl worked hard to be the representative of the Chinese class, and her personality became more and more cheerful and confident. She often participated in various activities organized by the school, and finally the little girl was admitted to the school. well-known universities in the country.

It all originated from the praise of the third person - the new teacher, so it can be seen that the third person effect plays an extremely important role in making people think that what people they are not familiar with is true.

If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are caught in an ''an infinite loop'' because of the reason of bringing a baby, then you might as well try a third person's praise.

Take the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law who were in a deadlock because of the previous article ''Ask a babysitter''. If someone said in front of her mother-in-law, ''The newly hired babysitter is very powerful. Will consider again ''please babysitter''.

My mother-in-law is convinced of the concept of "a nanny is a bad thing". It is nothing more than hearing a lot of bad things from third-party channels, so mother can prescribe the right medicine. All kinds of benefits'', maybe the mother-in-law will change her previous thoughts and be persuaded by a third person to allow her daughter-in-law to hire a nanny.