Parents' language hides children's future? Li Meijin: Please don't use verbal violence to destroy the baby
Just one day in June, I suddenly received a call from my little niece who was in high school, saying that she had been scalded when she turned on the water, and the teacher asked her to contact her parents to send her to the hospital.
This little niece is well-behaved and sensible, and her grades are also excellent. Among the relatives, she likes me the most. I was not too busy when I received the call, so I drove her to the hospital.
Because the medical treatment was handled in time, the little girl's hand was not in serious trouble. Just when I was relieved and was about to call her parents, I was stopped by the little girl:
"Aunt, if my mother finds out, she will scold me again!"
Fear comes from parents who do not speak well
The little girl's family is very strict, and her relatives know it. But I didn't dare to tell the parents that I was so strict that I was so hot that I didn't expect it.
Moreover, the little girl thought I was going to make a phone call at the time, so she was so nervous that she suddenly became agitated, her big eyes were watery, and her face was flushed.
In order to appease her mood, I did not call for now, but sat next to her to comfort her. After she finally calmed down, she asked her why she was so afraid of being known by her parents.
The little girl whispered that as long as she was sick since she was a child, her parents always scolded her to death before sending her to the hospital. As usual, she was always to blame at home, and she would be scolded for anything wrong, and her words were vicious as if she had murdered and set fire to her.
She pitifully begged me to help keep her injury a secret. She said that she would save the cost of treatment and pay it back to me. If not, she would go out to work during the summer vacation, and she would know better than her parents and scold her with vicious words. She is better.
How harmful is verbal violence to children?
Not speaking well seems to have become a common feature of Chinese parents. Compared with the straightforward expressions of the West, the Chinese are either reserved and reserved, silent like a gourd, or a knife-mouthed tofu-hearted person, who has to say good things in a way that makes people uncomfortable.
How much harm does the way Chinese parents speak for granted to their children?
- Harm the parent-child relationship
Verbal violence can damage children's sense of trust and closeness to their parents, and even create fear. The little niece is a typical example.
Because they can't stand being verbally abused by their parents, some children are afraid to ask their parents for help when they encounter difficulties, and some problems that could have been solved in time have been delayed and become more serious.
Some children feel chilled to their parents and choose to run away from their parents when they grow up.
A netizen shared such a story online:
"I have seen a mother whose daughter is married and has a child. Every time a young couple quarrels, she always tells her daughter that it is not her daughter's fault that she finds a nouveau riche or something.
"My daughter understood when she was 30 years old, and finally made up her mind to divorce, but when she came home, she saw a cold face. Her mother told her that the daughter who was married, the water that was spilled, why did you come back? !
"Meeting such a mother, her daughter's heart is cold and sad, saying that she will never forgive her mother in her life. Now that many years have passed, she basically does not go back to see her mother."
- Make children deny themselves and cause psychological trauma
Long-term verbal suppression will make children deny themselves, cause inferiority complex, and even cause psychological trauma.
There is an old artist with high artistic attainments and a successful career. Because of the pursuit of perfection in her personality, she is particularly strict with her only daughter, and cultivates her daughter into an Ivy League doctor.
Originally, this mother and daughter were so good, many people envied them. But one day the old man went abroad to visit his daughter and had an argument with her. The daughter asked her:
"Have I never been able to satisfy you?"
This is how she replied to her daughter:
"Do you think you're doing well?"
The daughter listened, jumped over and jumped off the balcony, and never came back.
Is it the mother's words that make her daughter choose to commit suicide? no! Even the mother herself said when she reflected later that it was because she never affirmed her daughter face to face, and she always spoke ill of her, which eventually led to a tragedy.
"A child can't boast about his achievements, he must be suppressed, otherwise he will become complacent." This is the habit of many Chinese parents. However, this is a devastating blow to the child's self-confidence, making the child forever struggle for the affirmation of the parents who cannot get it, and eventually collapse.
3, wrong demonstration, forming a vicious circle
I believe that everyone has experienced verbal violence from their parents when they were young.
Especially the older generation, never show mercy to their children. After I became sensible, I secretly made up my mind that I would never treat my children like this in the future.
As a result, after my son was born, one day he naughty smashed something. I suddenly became angry, rushed over and shouted at him, "How many times have I told you not to touch this, how can you be a stupid child like a pig, can't you understand people's words?"
The son may have never seen his mother like this, and he was so frightened that he burst into tears. Only then did I realize that I had become the person I hated the most.
Looking at my crying son, I felt so guilty, I quickly took him into my arms and apologized for comfort.
Even though he hated the verbal violence from his parents, he was still subconsciously affected, and he did the same to his next generation with a little carelessness.
If it can't be corrected in time, such verbal violence will only be passed down from generation to generation in the words and deeds of parents, forming a vicious circle.
"Knife mouth, tofu heart", how to avoid?
How can parents avoid verbal violence against their children?
- What do you think in your mouth, what do you say in your heart
The introverted nature of East Asians makes it difficult for Chinese parents to directly express their concern for their children. Not beating around the bush, but telling the truth.
For example, if you are clearly concerned about your child's overweight and affect your health, but you want to say, "You look like a dead fat pig. I have a child like you, and it's a shame to go out!"
You can't say to your child: "You are so heavy, if you don't exercise to improve your physique, it will have a great impact on your health, and it's not good for your personal self-image."
The same meaning, in a different way of expression, is much easier to accept.
- Use less rhetorical sentences and more declarative sentences
Rhetorical questions always give people a sense of irony and yin and yang, but Chinese parents use them a lot.
"The house is so dirty, don't you know how to clean it up?"
"Are your eyes blind? I don't know if you can't see for yourself?"
The same meaning, if we replace it with a declarative sentence or an imperative sentence, there will be a different effect.
"The house is very dirty, and parents don't have time to clean. As a part of the family, you also need to maintain the cleanliness and hygiene of the home."
"What you need to know is on TV, you can watch it for yourself."
Replacing rhetorical questions with declarative sentences can make your tone sound much softer.
【Parenting Message】
Comparing hearts to hearts, many unpleasant adults can't stand it, let alone children who have listened to these words every day for several years or more than ten years? The verbal violence of some parents abuses their children to the point of being inhumane!