Is the future of the child hidden in the language of the parents? Li Meijin: Please don't destroy your baby with verbal violence
Just one day in June, I suddenly received a call from my little niece who was in high school, saying that she had burned her hands when she turned on the water, and the teacher asked the parents to send her to the hospital.
This little niece is well-behaved and sensible, and her grades are also very good. Among several relatives, she liked me the most, and I was not too busy when I received the call, so I drove her to the hospital.
Because of the timely treatment by the doctor, the little girl's hand was not seriously injured. Just when I breathed a sigh of relief and was about to call her parents, I was stopped by the little girl:
"Auntie, if my mother finds out, she will scold me to death again!"
Fear comes from parents who don't speak well
The little girl's family is very strict, and her relatives know it. But it was so strict that I didn't dare to tell my parents when my hands were scalded like this, which really didn't occur to me.
What's more, the little girl thought I was going to make a phone call at the time, and she was so nervous that she became emotional all of a sudden, her two big eyes were teary, and her face was flushed.
In order to appease her emotions, I didn't call for the time being, but sat beside her to comfort her. After she finally calmed down, ask her why she is so afraid of being known by her parents.
The little girl sobbed and said that whenever she was sick since she was a child, her parents would always scold her to death before sending her to the hospital. Usually, she is often blamed at home, and she will be scolded for the slightest mistake, and her words are as vicious as if she murdered and set fire.
She pitifully begged me to help keep her injury a secret, saying that she would save the cost of treatment from her living expenses and pay it back to me. She is nice.
How harmful is verbal violence to children?
Not speaking well seems to have become a common feature of Chinese parents. Compared with the Western expression, the Chinese are either reserved and reserved, as silent as a gourd, or have a sharp mouth and a bean curd heart, and they have to say good things in an uncomfortable way.
How much damage will the Chinese parents' natural way of speaking do to their children?
- Harm parent-child relationship
Verbal violence can damage children's sense of trust and closeness to their parents, and even create fear. The little niece is a typical example.
Because they can't stand being verbally abused by their parents, some children dare not ask their parents for help when encountering difficulties. Some problems that could have been solved in time are delayed and become more serious.
There are also children who will be disappointed by their parents and choose to escape from their parents when they grow up.
A netizen shared such a story on the Internet:
"I've seen a mother whose daughter got married and had children. Every time the young couple quarreled, she would always tell her daughter that it's not her own fault, she should find someone like this kind of upstart.
"When my daughter was 30 years old, she understood it, and finally made up her mind to divorce, but when she got home, she saw a cold face. Her mother told her that the married daughter, the water that was thrown out, why did you come back !
"Meeting such a mother, the coldness in her daughter's heart is heartbreaking, saying that she will never forgive her mother in this life. Now that many years have passed, she basically does not go back to see her mother."
- Make children deny themselves and cause psychological trauma
Long-term verbal suppression will cause children to deny themselves, develop an inferiority complex, and even cause psychological trauma.
There is an old artist with high artistic attainments and a successful career. Because of her personality pursuit of perfection, she has very strict requirements on her only daughter, so she trained her daughter to become a doctor of Ivy League.
Originally, the mother and daughter were so outstanding that many people envied them. But one day the old man went abroad to visit his daughter and had a dispute with her. The daughter asked her:
"Am I never going to be able to please you?"
She replied to her daughter in this way:
"Do you think you're doing well?"
After hearing this, the daughter turned over and jumped off the balcony, and never came back.
Is it the mother's words that made the daughter choose to commit suicide? no! Even the mother said when she reflected on it later, it was because she never affirmed her daughter face to face, and she always spoke bad words at each other, which eventually led to tragedy.
"Children should not boast about their achievements, they must be suppressed, otherwise they will become complacent." This is the habit of many Chinese parents. Little do they know that this will cause a devastating blow to the child's self-confidence, making the child forever struggle for the affirmation of the parents that he cannot get, and eventually collapse.
- Wrong demonstration, forming a vicious circle
I believe that when we were young, we all suffered verbal violence from our parents.
Especially the older generation, never show mercy to their children. After I became sensible, I secretly made up my mind that I would never treat my children like this in the future.
As a result, after his son was born, he mischievously broke something one day. I suddenly became angry, rushed over and shouted at him: "How many times have I been told not to touch this, why are you so stupid as a pig, can't you understand people's words?"
The son may have never seen his mother like this before, and he was so frightened that he burst into tears. Only then did I realize that I had turned into the person I hated the most.
Looking at my crying son, I felt so guilty, I quickly hugged him into my arms and apologized, so as to comfort me.
Even though he hated the verbal violence from his parents, he was still subtly affected, and he did the same thing to his next generation if he was a little careless.
If it cannot be corrected in time, such verbal violence will only be passed down from generation to generation in the words and deeds of parents, forming a vicious circle.
"Knife mouth, tofu heart", how to avoid?
How can parents avoid verbal violence against their children?
- What you think with your mouth, what you say with your heart
The introverted nature of East Asians makes it difficult for Chinese parents to directly express their concern for their children. Either beat around the bush, or tell the truth.
It's like clearly concerned about the child's overweight, which affects his health, but he wants to say: "You look like a dead fat pig. I have a child like you. It's embarrassing to go out!"
You can't tell your child well: "You are so heavy, if you don't exercise to strengthen your physique, it will have a great impact on your health, and it will also be detrimental to your personal self-image."
For the same meaning, it is much easier to accept it in another way of expression.
- Use less rhetorical questions and more declarative sentences
Rhetorical questions always give people a sense of sarcasm and yin and yang, and Chinese parents use it a lot.
"The house is so dirty, don't you know how to clean it?"
"Are you blind? I don't know if you can see by yourself?"
In the same sense, if we switch to a declarative sentence or an imperative sentence, the effect will be different.
"The house is very dirty, and mom and dad don't have time to clean it. As a member of the family, you also need to maintain the cleanliness and hygiene of the house."
"What you need to know is on TV, and you can watch it for yourself."
Using declarative sentences instead of rhetorical questions can make the tone sound much gentler.
【Parenting message】
Comparing your heart with your heart, many adults can't bear to listen to these words, let alone children who have been listening to these words for several years or more than ten years? Some parents' verbal violence has abused their children so that they are inhumane!